


He Would Have Laughed

by A_M_Kelley



Category: Bandom, Punk Rock RPF, The Ramones
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Fantasizing, Grief/Mourning, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Middle Aged!Johnny, Pining, Regret, Sexual Content, Sexual Frustration, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-04 21:18:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1793509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_M_Kelley/pseuds/A_M_Kelley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Johnny puts up a front and acts like he doesn't care most of the time, but Joey's death really did hit him hard despite what people might think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Would Have Laughed

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by the Deerhunter song of the same name.
> 
> Featuring sexually frustrated middle aged!Johnny.

When Johnny first heard about Joey's death it hadn't surprised him much, considering that he was well aware of Joey's condition beforehand, but it somehow still managed to get under his skin. Johnny puts up a front and acts like he doesn't care most of the time, but Joey's death really did hit him hard despite what people might think.

After hearing the news, day to day life suddenly became a chore for Johnny even the smallest things seemed to be unbearable. He was absolutely depressed for the whole week, but not to the point where he actually broke down and cried. There wasn't a lot of things in the world that warranted tears from Johnny and Joey's death was no exception. Still, Johnny was a wreck regardless.

Many people had tried to get him to call Joey at least once before he finally went, like Tommy, Marky, and even Linda, but to no avail. It seemed pointless to call Joey. Johnny didn't like the idea of reconnecting with someone just because they're dying. It was disingenuous for one thing and, above all, Joey didn't need anyone's pity, especially not Johnny's.

_Maybe I should've talked to him... What if Joey waited for me to call him?_

Johnny doesn't like to think of things like that. Thoughts of Joey hoping against hope for Johnny to ring him one last time are what really screwed with him the most. It's very obvious that they've hated each other throughout the years of their career together, but it was the use of the word _together_ that got to Johnny.

The Ramones had ended five years prior, but Joey's death was the final nail that set it in stone. A Ramones reunion would never happen now, not that Johnny liked the idea of that much to begin with, but it was clear to Johnny that the Ramones truly were no more because he couldn't imagine the Ramones without Joey. Johnny is a stubborn bastard but even he can admit how important Joey was to the Ramones. Even if that was the only thing he could admit to.

_Joey is gone..._

It was a lost sense of reality that made Johnny more aware of the world around him and reminded him just how much he really didn't hate Joey after all. It's not like Johnny had any real reason to hate Joey, even when the latter had every right to. There were quirks about the singer that annoyed Johnny, sure, but that didn't necessarily condone resentment.

And now Joey was dead and Johnny wouldn't have to worry about stuff like that anymore. That's actually kind of depressing in retrospect when you think about it. Funny how someone's presence, once it's gone, can affect you so much no matter how much you don't like them. But Joey's death was just one small interval of the bigger picture at hand.

Truth was, even after being willfully spiteful of Joey for years on end and proverbially _stealing_ Linda away from him, there was no denying the fact that Johnny was filled with great regret. Regret for not making a better effort to _know_ Joey or tell him that he was important, not only to the Ramones but to Johnny as well. And also because of the feelings he had for Joey.

Johnny wasn't _gay_ , he's had plenty of girlfriends to prove that, but Joey was the only man that ever made him second guess himself. Johnny had been sour and bitter to Joey because of the way the Ramone made him feel physically, as well as emotionally, and that scared the hell out of Johnny. He spent his entire adulthood telling himself that he wasn't _that way_. He had tried so hard to mask his feelings with hate for so long to the point where it eventually became the only truth he knew.

Now that Johnny was older and more jaded with the world around him, he could no longer deny the fact that he had loved Joey Ramone. He had loved his wacky quirks, his looming yet timid presence, his dumb voice, and his dumb face... Johnny didn't mean that. Joey had a beautiful voice and his face was far from being dumb, but after years of convincing himself to hate the frontman because of his own repressed sexuality, it was practically by reflex now.

It was clear that the biggest regret Johnny was feeling was never telling Joey how he truly felt and cleansing the polluted air between them, but there was no telling how Joey would've reacted to the news. Joey would have seen it as another tasteless joke or a trick to get him to admit certain feelings as well.

_No... I don't suppose he would have believed me. I still don't believe it myself..._

Joey would never know now and Johnny couldn't decide whether that was better or worse, to be honest. Even in death, Joey ultimately dictated his life and it further proved that Johnny was _empty_ without the Ramone. He thought of all the things he would _never_ be able to do with Joey, but it didn't stop Johnny from imagining them.

There weren't many nights when Linda was gone, leaving Johnny to lie awake in bed all alone as he struggled to fall asleep. It was nights like this that really drove home for Johnny, feeling as if he was transported back to 1976. Those really were the golden years for the Ramones, when everything seemed a little less bitter and problems could be crushed to a pulp by their music alone. If you asked Johnny about the year of 1976 he would automatically think of CBGB and _Judy_ and, of course, the sensitive giant known as Joey Ramone. Those three things are what stood out the most.

But right now, as Johnny lies alone in his bed with an empty space beside him, he wishes it was Joey occupying the vacant area with his love and warmth. If he concentrates hard enough Johnny can start to feel a phantom presence beside him, but he doesn't like it one bit. It's far too cold to be Joey and hoping for something that's impossible is disheartening enough.

Still, Johnny imagines what it would be like to sleep with Joey after making love to him. _Would he be restless during sleep? Would he cuddle and wrap his long limbs around me? Or would Joey want me to hold him?_ Johnny sometimes believes that Joey would be too embarrassed to cuddle especially after making love. Joey would probably think those kinds of endearments wouldn't be allowed in Johnny's bed. But, if Joey were here right now, Johnny would never let go of him if he could help it.

Johnny can't resist the urge to run a hand down the length of his abdomen, discerning how his body has changed over the years and wishing he could remember how it felt when he was young. _Joey's body never changed. He stayed exactly the same_. Johnny entertains the idea of how Joey's body remained seemingly young and feels a slight tinge of envy in the process, but it's soon forgotten.

There are other things about Joey that spike Johnny's interest in more ways than one. _I wonder what his hair would feel like bunched in my hands. And what sounds would he make if I bit his neck?_ Johnny's hand automatically disappears under the blanket without so much as a second thought and there is no shame in it.

_Joey has just died and this is the first thing I do to honor his memory? What the hell is wrong with me?_

If he were twenty years younger, Johnny would have never indulged in such activities, at least not while thinking about Joey, but now that he's older he is left with a longing to go back and act upon them instead of fantasizing. But this can never be. Not then and not now.

Johnny shifts his hips in a way that replicates a grinding motion as he kneads himself through his underwear. He can almost imagine how Joey would feel around him, moaning and twisting in the sheets as he whined Johnny's name. He's already turned on by the notion of how Joey would feel against him right now in his and Linda's bed. _Wouldn't that be the way to do it? That'd be the biggest irony of the century._

The Ramone chuckles breathlessly as he rubs purposely against himself, squeezing occasionally as an extra incentive. He doesn't bother to take off his underwear or stroke himself more properly because he doesn't last long at all. Not when he's thinking about taking Joey in this bed right now, feeling his hair and kissing every inch of his body as if it will keep him in the here and now instead of fading away.

When Johnny finally does reach his orgasm it's nothing how he thought it would be. He had hoped it would be gratifying, tying up all loose ends and sating the empty parts that could only be filled by Joey and the Ramones, but it didn't because it _couldn't._ Johnny choked back the half-hearted groan that followed as he climaxes into his underwear.

The feeling is bitter and mediocre at best, leaving him empty once again as his grip slips away from the fading memory of Joey. All Johnny can feel now is shame and regret. Shame for letting himself get sucked into this fantasy that can never be fulfilled, making him more jaded, and regret for all the times he had to tell Joey how he felt but didn't.

It's only in this moment now does Johnny roll onto his side and grab Linda's pillow to bury his face in it, uncaring of how uncomfortable his soiled underwear clings to him. In the seconds that follow after, Johnny cries into the pillow, stifling the sobs that escape his throat unabashed.

He cries for Joey. He cries because it's unfair. He cries because he can. If Johnny were able to tell Joey that he cried for him after his passing, he'd like to know how Joey would react. Johnny supposes Joey wouldn't believe him. He wouldn't have smiled and forgave Johnny for all the years of torment and they wouldn't live happily ever after. That's not how it worked...

_No... Joey would have laughed in my face._


End file.
